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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25864219">Off Balance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annide/pseuds/Annide'>Annide</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amputation, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Post-Season/Series 01, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:40:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,782</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25864219</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annide/pseuds/Annide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What Carlos thinks is a simple cut, turns out to be much worse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carlos Reyes &amp; Owen Strand, Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Michelle Blake &amp; Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star), Michelle Blake &amp; TK Strand</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>124</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                It had happened at the same time very quickly and very slowly. It was just a small cut, nothing to worry about. But the next day, it was swollen. And then after a week, the whole area was red, and Carlos kept complaining of how much it hurt. That’s when TK finally convinced him to get it checked out. He wouldn’t. He kept saying it was nothing. But TK wouldn’t have it. A simple cut would be healing by now and he was only getting worse. He called Michelle who came immediately. And she agreed with TK. It didn’t just look bad, it looked like something out of nightmares. Or at least that’s what the fear on their faces seemed to say.</p>
<p>                Michelle drove them to the hospital where the doctors immediately took samples and did some tests and pumped antibiotics into Carlos without even waiting for the results. If their suspicions were right, they needed to act fast. But fast is also how the bacteria worked. It had already done enough damage to affect circulation down to his foot. Even with treatment, they could see necrosis after two days.</p>
<p>                There were long, excruciating hours spent in the hospital, waiting for the treatment to work, waiting for test results, waiting for anything positive to happen. TK wouldn’t leave Carlos’s side. Owen understood. He wouldn’t want to risk him being distracted on calls anyway. It felt slow and endless, and yet, by the time the doctor walked in, a somber look on his face, it still seemed like time had flown by since this all started and it was coming to a complete halt right here, right now. The antibiotics weren’t working like they wanted them to. The tissue in the leg was dying, some of it was already too far gone to save, and the bacteria were still spreading. The doctor wanted to amputate before they lost more of the leg. He thought it was their best chance at stopping this and saving Carlos’s life.</p>
<p>                TK turned to look at his boyfriend, holding his hand and wishing there was more he could do. Carlos was speechless. His entire life was crumbling right in front of him and there was nothing he could do. He’d spent hours crying just the night before. Telling TK how wrong he’d been not to listen to him, how he might lose his leg because he’d been too stupid to realise it was more than a simple cut. TK had held him tightly in his arms, rubbing his back, trying his best to comfort him. He repeated over and over again that none of this was his fault, that he shouldn’t blame himself whatever happened. But Carlos had been inconsolable.</p>
<p>                Now, as they sat, with the doctor staring at them, expecting a response, Carlos’s face was blank. Shock seemed to have paralyzed him. He’d known ever since he’d gotten to the hospital that amputation was a possibility, but some part of him probably thought it would never get that far. Carlos tended to be more of an optimist, always believing that things could take a turn for the better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>¤¤¤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                He never thought it’d come to this. He never thought once in his life that he could lose his leg. He couldn’t. How was he to ever go back to his job without his leg? Everything would change. He wanted to say no. He wanted to tell the doctor to shut up, to forget about cutting off his leg, to just save it. But he knew they were already doing everything they could. He could say no. He could say he’d wait, see if the treatment started working. But they’d already told him an amputation below the knee would make his chances better to get back to duty. Carlos was at a dead end. He didn’t have a choice. So he let them take his leg.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>¤¤¤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                It had been days since the amputation. Carlos wouldn’t look at TK. He wouldn’t move, other than to turn away from anyone who came to visit him, including the hospital staff. He wouldn’t sit up, he wouldn’t eat, he didn’t even react when the doctor told him the operation had been a success and they’d gotten rid of all traces of the bacteria. It had been long enough for them to confirm that no remaining tissue was affected. It was good news, TK was thrilled. But Carlos simply pulled his blanket over his head.</p>
<p>                TK kept visiting every day, sitting in the chair at Carlos’s bedside, talking to him about anything, except work. He mentioned anecdotes of stuff that happened at the firehouse, but nothing directly work related. He told him things like how Judd decided he’d make dinner himself after another meal from Paul that he found too spicy, which resulted in a huge mess in the kitchen, but a surprisingly good meal. He told Carlos about how they might need to get rid of the table football because Owen and Michelle were starting to become a bit too competitive. He told him about Mateo falling in the stairs when Buttercup ran past him a little too fast. He told him about how close he was becoming to Paul and Marjan, and how good it felt to have found good friends.</p>
<p>                “They all miss you so much. They can’t wait to come visit at the end of week.”</p>
<p>                Carlos kept ignoring him. He always did. TK only hoped the psychiatrist was having better luck reaching him. He missed his boyfriend and couldn’t stand to see him so miserable. He wished there was something he could do, anything at all, but being there and showing him support was the most he could think of. His dad had told him multiple times how that was enough, but TK still felt helpless.</p>
<p>                “Do you want to watch videos of amputees dancing? I’ve found a whole bunch, they’re amazing. Might cheer you up.”</p>
<p>                “Go away, TK.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                TK knew Carlos was in pain and none of this was about him. It didn’t, however, stop the words from hurting him. Not even the words themselves really. It was the way Carlos had snapped at him, the way he’d dismissed him without even a glance in his direction. It was the subtle break in his voice that betrayed him and allowed TK to think maybe, just maybe he didn’t really mean those words. Maybe some part of him still cared enough to want to spare him from having to deal with all of this, especially this early in their relationship, but TK wouldn’t let Carlos push him away.</p><p>                “I’m not going anywhere. And you can yell at me, take all your anger out on me, if you want. I’ll still stay, right here by your side. I won’t give up on you, Carlos.”</p><p>                “You should.”</p><p>                “Maybe, but I’m not that smart. And I’m not exactly known for my good decisions. Especially when it comes to people I care deeply about.”</p><p>                “You barely know me.”</p><p>                “Well, how about you tell me more then?”</p><p>                “No.”</p><p>                If he could, TK would take Carlos’s pain upon himself. He would carry it for him until he was better. He understood him, he understood how he felt. If he had to lose his own leg and not be able to be a firefighter anymore, he would probably feel the same way Carlos did. But his heart ached at the sight. He couldn’t stand to watch Carlos let himself waste away like that. As if all his hope had washed away, cut off of him with the bacteria.</p><p>                Michelle and TK kept telling him there was hope. They read him articles about other officers going back to work after an amputation, about amputees accomplishing amazing things at the Olympics. They did everything they could to paint a hopeful picture of what the future could hold for him. But Carlos remained unfazed, day after day. He wouldn’t even look up at them, or acknowledge their presence. Doctors and nurses wore increasingly more worried looks on their faces and TK knew they needed to get Carlos to accept solid food soon. The feeding tube kept him alive, but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t provide everything he needed to build his strength back for his recovery.</p><p>                “Carlos, you need to eat. And you need to sit up, do some of the exercises your physical therapist recommended. Otherwise, you might never recover well enough to go back to doing what you love. Or you might die.”</p><p>                “I don’t care.”</p><p>                “You don’t really mean that, I know you don’t.”</p><p>                TK could hear the slight break in his voice. He tried so hard to stay strong for Carlos, to keep his emotions to himself and put up a façade of fineness. He wanted Carlos to know he could rely on him to be there and not break. He wanted him to know he could handle this and keep it together and support him every step of the way. He wouldn’t give up on him.</p><p>                “Yes, I do. I can’t just lie here forever, how about you pick me up and go throw me in a ditch somewhere? I’m sure you’re strong enough to do that, I’m much lighter now.”</p><p>                “Carlos, come on.” TK could barely hold back his tears. He knew it didn’t matter, Carlos had his back to him anyway, but he was convinced if the gate opened even a little, the flow would be unstoppable.</p><p>                “I’m serious. I’m of no use to anyone anymore, I’ll just drag you all down with me. So get rid of me.”</p><p>                “I could never... Carlos, I don’t want to lose you. You’re important to me no matter what.”</p><p>                “I don’t believe that. You’ll get tired of me. Another week or two without a good lay and you’ll go find yourself a better boyfriend.”</p><p>                “You’re just saying that to hurt me, you know it’s not true. You’re more than that to me.” TK put his hand on Carlos’s shoulder. He usually didn’t touch him, because he didn’t want to invade his personal space, but he didn’t know how else to reach out and make him understand how deeply he cared for him. “Please, Carlos, look at me. I’m not going anywhere. Please, believe me.”</p><p>                “Let me die and move on.”</p><p>                At first, TK had thought the fact Carlos was answering him might be a good sign. But every word that came out of his mouth felt like a new cut on TK’s skin. The more they talked, the more open wounds seemed to accumulate. TK was starting to feel like he was bleeding out at an increasing speed. He couldn’t stop it. He reminded himself constantly that Carlos was doing it on purpose, that his goal was just to push him away, and he just had to tough it out. Carlos was in pain, his life had taken an unexpected turn that would change it forever, and TK needed to stay strong and take whatever his boyfriend threw at him.</p><p>                The next morning, when TK showed up for visiting hours, he was told he couldn’t see Carlos. They wouldn’t give him any specifics, because he wasn’t family, just that he wasn’t allowed visitors for the next 72 hours. TK went back home and pretended not to hear the concern and sadness in his dad’s voice as he explained what was going on to Zoe.</p><p>                They both tried to cheer him up and convince him to go with them on a hike, but he stayed curled up on the couch, with his head his hands, restless and jittery in a way that prompted Owen to call Michelle to come stay with him. Like he thought his 26-year-old son couldn’t be left alone and needed a babysitter. TK groaned and hid his face under a throw pillow when she showed up and sat on the floor, her back against the side of the couch.</p><p>                “I think this will be good for you. A little time away. A chance to do something besides work and go to the hospital.”</p><p>                “He tried to hurt himself, Michelle.”</p><p>                “You don’t know that.”</p><p>                “A 72-hour hold? The day after he basically asked me to kill him? You work in the field, you know what that means.”</p><p>                “He’s alive and he’ll get help. He’s all taken care of.”</p><p>                “How can you be so calm about this?”</p><p>                “There’s nothing more we can do for him. Now, get up, we’re going out.”</p><p>                “I already told my dad, I don’t want to do anything.”</p><p>                “Yeah, but your dad asked me to come and make sure you’re okay. I’m not going to sit back and watch you let yourself go.”</p><p>                “I’m not-“</p><p>                “When is the last time you went to a meeting?”</p><p>                “I’ve been busy. Carlos needs me.”</p><p>                “Excuses. There’s one in twenty minutes, let’s go.”</p><p>                Michelle took his arm and pulled him up. TK protested, but she was unwavering. There was no changing her mind once she set out to do something and, twenty minutes later, he was sitting on an uncomfortable chair, wishing he was anywhere but here. Sharing did help though and the smug smile Michelle had on her face when he made it back to the car warmed his heart. She was right, he did need this. She knew better than he did, even though they’d only known each other for a short while.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                The smile that grew on TK’s face when he entered the room annoyed him. He never used to be annoyed by anything TK did before. He loved him. Their relationship was still new, but Carlos knew he was in love with him. He was getting ready to tell him, nervous the words would scare him off, and then his world flipped upside down. Now he could barely get himself to do anything.</p>
<p>                He felt so weak and tired, sitting up had seemed an incredibly hard task. But it was nothing compared to the feeling of eating without any appetite. It was like he was forcing food down his own throat, it was uncomfortable and unpleasant and he hated it. And he hated how happy it made TK to see him do it. And he hated that he hated making his boyfriend happy.</p>
<p>                He hated the way he felt, the way this situation had broken him not just physically, but mentally. He didn’t want to go through recovery. He wanted his life back the way it was, now. But he couldn’t have that. He hated everything and he had no idea how to get himself out of this state of mind. His psychiatrist had tried, but she couldn’t do miracles. All he wanted was to lie in bed forever. At least he was eating now and they were off his back about that. It was just one thing that improved things slightly. Though it was in reality pretty difficult for him to do.</p>
<p>                Carlos didn’t want things to be that way, but they were and he couldn’t help feeling like shit. Powerless, helpless, hopeless. Overwhelmed by the desire to get that smile off TK’s face, Carlos threw his spoon at him. It worked. The smile immediately melted from TK's face. But it didn't make Carlos feel any better. It was worse. It was always worse. And the way his boyfriend lifted his arms up in a protective gesture broke his heart even further, because he’d caused it, he’d caused the fear and pain in TK’s expression.</p>
<p>                He couldn't eat anymore. He pushed the food away and lied back down, or as much as he could with the bed propped up. He wanted to go back to sleep. He couldn't make anything worse while unconscious.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>¤¤¤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                Once Carlos was finally released from the hospital, TK's state seemed to get even worse. Their time together was no longer limited by visiting hours and TK spent almost every minute he wasn't working at Carlos's. He slept on the couch there, and every shift he looked more exhausted. Owen could see the bags under his eyes growing every time he saw him. He could see the way his shoulders drooped, his feet dragged and his eyes closed whenever he didn't need them.</p>
<p>                He was worried for his son. The whole crew was. Each one of them came to him with concerns, for TK and for the safety of the team as a whole with him in that state supposed to have their backs. If things continued that way, he might have to suspend him, or force him to take time off, for his own good. He hoped Michelle would reassure him, but she didn't have any good news for him. All that time TK spent there didn't seem to bring many results. With how hard Carlos tried to push him away, she was surprised TK still hadn't given up. The two of them apparently were only making each other worse. She wasn’t sure what to do about it anymore, how to fix it, and Owen wished he had a way to help, but he was just as much at a loss as she was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>¤¤¤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                TK couldn’t help being angry at everyone around him, including Carlos, but mostly at the universe. It felt like the minute he was finally happy, things went sideways. Like he wasn’t allowed to have good things. Every time he found something good in his life, there was something that came along to ruin it. He could never simply enjoy anything in life. This whole situation was no one’s fault, but TK wished he had somewhere to direct that anger.</p>
<p>                Carlos seemed to be improving somehow. He was eating and, while he wouldn’t change his dressings himself, he now let Michelle do it for him. That, and the promise to actually show up to his appointments, led him to be discharge. He let Michelle drive him to see the psychiatrist without making a fuss, but protested every time he needed to go in for physical therapy. He refused to use the wheelchair, and he struggled with his crutches. He sometimes allowed Michelle to help him, but never TK.</p>
<p>                It seemed Carlos was taking out all of his anger and frustration out on him, and TK wasn’t sure how much longer he could take it. He wasn’t sure how to make him understand he still felt the same way about him as he did before. When Carlos came back from physical therapy that night, TK was waiting for him with a meal all ready. One that Paul had brought over, of course, he wouldn’t make his boyfriend eat anything he cooked himself.</p>
<p>                “Here, dinner’s ready.”</p>
<p>                Carlos sat at the table, with a little help from Michelle. He didn’t look up to him, didn’t say anything, just started eating. It wasn’t unusual for him to be closed off, especially after one of those appointments. Michelle went to the counter to serve herself some food, and brought some back for TK, insisting that he had to eat as well.</p>
<p>                “So, how did it go today?”</p>
<p>                TK reached out to put his hand over Carlos’s, trying his best to convey how much he cared for him. Carlos immediately pulled his away, but he looked up and their eyes met.</p>
<p>                “Don’t touch me. And don’t you have anything better to do than to be here all the time?”</p>
<p>                “Do I have anything better to do than to be here to support my boyfriend who’s going through a tough time?”</p>
<p>                “Yeah, don’t you have friends to hang out with? Or, maybe your father might like to see you.”</p>
<p>                “I’d rather be here. With you.”</p>
<p>                “Well, I’d rather you weren’t.”</p>
<p>                “Carlos, come on, you don’t mean that. TK loves you. He wants to help you.” Michelle tried.</p>
<p>                “Why doesn’t he help by leaving me alone?”</p>
<p>                “Is that really what you want?” TK said, his frustration transpiring through his tone, despite how hard he always tried to hide it.</p>
<p>                “Yes. I don’t love you. We barely even know each other. Go back to your life, I can handle things on my own here. I’ve got Michelle, that’s all I need.”</p>
<p>                “Fine. You win. I have a meeting to go to anyway.”</p>
<p>                TK stood, tears already flooding his eyes. He hoped he managed to turn away before Carlos could see them, but he knew Michelle had noticed them. She tried to grab his wrist to stop him, but he didn’t let her. He slammed the door behind him, then let himself lean against it, sliding down until he was sitting down on the other side, crying into his knees.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                “Carlos, you have a difficult road ahead of you, you’ll need people around you to get through it. Didn’t the doctor talk to you about a support system?”</p><p>                “Not TK. It’s too early. I don’t want to burden him with that. I can’t... I can’t have him be around in my worst times.”</p><p>                “But he wants to. He loves you.”</p><p>                “I said I can’t, Michelle!”</p><p>                Michelle could see the frustration in Carlos’s face. There was more to it, but for some reason he couldn’t say it. It pained her to watch her best friend like this. He was usually the optimistic one, the one getting her out of her spiral of thoughts and back to a more realistic way of looking at things. He was good at calling her out for her bullshit and getting her out of her head. There was an energy about him that was gone now and she missed it. Like the lights inside him had been dimmed. But they weren’t completely turned off, there was still a glimmer of hope there and she fully intended on making that grow.</p><p>                That first night they’d talked about TK was still engraved in her mind. Carlos was smiling, so completely fallen under TK’s charm. And yet, because he was such a good friend and good listener, he’d still sat there while she rambled on and on about her own drama, waiting for her to ask about him just so he could share his excitement to have met that guy. He was always there to help her with her own issues, never getting truly annoyed at her for forgetting that he could have some too.</p><p>                “Look, I wish I could explain, but... I just can’t.”</p><p>                Michelle moved her chair closer to his, wrapped him in her arms and started rubbing his back. He protested at first, but then let himself fall apart in her embrace. He clutched to her and cried, finally finding a release for emotions that accumulated inside him with no escape beside misdirected anger.</p><p>                “We’ll get through this, I promise. You won’t be alone. You can try pushing us all away, but we’ll keep sending people your way. We won’t give up on you. And we won’t let you give up on yourself.”</p><p>                “You sound like TK.”</p><p>                “Because we both love you.”</p><p>                “How can you be so sure that’s how he feels? Especially now.”</p><p>                “The man sat day after day in an uncomfortable chair at your bedside when you wouldn’t even look at him. He’s been sleeping on your couch, that isn’t that comfortable by the way. He’s one mistake away from getting suspended at work because he’s been too focused on you to take care of himself. And I see the way he looks at you, you can push him away all you want, it won’t change the way he feels about you.”</p><p>                Carlos cried even more, his sobs making it impossible for him to talk for a few minutes. Michelle knew she’d said something that upset him, but while she understood TK tiptoeing around Carlos, she’d rather force him to deal with things.</p><p>                “I’ll never be able to go back to work, will I?”</p><p>                The fear and uncertainty in his voice left her full of sorrow. She couldn’t make this any better. No matter how much she wanted to, this was another thing she couldn’t fix, another problem that would take time with no guarantee of improvement, just like Iris’s situation.</p><p>                “I don’t know, Carlos, maybe. But you’ll have to start putting more effort in your physical therapy if you want a chance.”</p><p>                “I know, I just... I haven’t been feeling myself lately.”</p><p>                “I understand. I’m just telling you the truth here.”</p><p>                “Thank you.”</p><p>                She saw the tentative smile on his face, barely noticeable, but the first he tried in a long time. She smiled, encouraged even by this small attempt. She was optimistic. Carlos would get better and she’d get her best friend back. He would never be exactly the same, but she knew he could be happy again.</p><p> </p><p>¤¤¤</p><p> </p><p>                Two days later, Carlos was woken up by the doorbell. It was mid morning, a reasonable hour to visit, but he’d been spending a lot of time in bed, sleeping late, unsure how to occupy his time. His first thought was that it must be TK. He hadn’t seen him since that night he made him leave and he might still be too hurt or uncomfortable to simply walk in like he used to, the way Michelle always did. Carlos had seen TK’s eyes water right before he rushed out the door, despite the fact he was clearly trying to hide it from him.</p><p>                He rose up the bed slowly, struggling to get up on his crutches. His physical therapist made him work a lot on his balance, but he’d been reluctant to put in much effort, not doing the exercises he was supposed to do at home, and it showed. Michelle had a point though, if he ever wanted any kind of chance to get his life back, he needed to try harder. He just couldn’t seem to get himself to do it.</p><p>                When he opened the door, he was surprised to find a different Strand than he was expecting standing on the other side. He hadn’t seen TK’s father since the accident. Actually, he didn’t think he’d ever seen him outside of work or from afar when everyone hung out at the bar. TK hadn’t formally introduced them yet. They were going to have dinner, the three of them, Carlos and TK had been talking about that when there was still just a cut that wouldn’t heal on his foot.</p><p>                “Captain Strand, hi.”</p><p>                “Good morning, Carlos. And please, we’re at your house, call me Owen.”</p><p>                “Sure, right. Do you want to come in?”</p><p>                “Yes, of course, I wouldn’t want to force you to stand here.”</p><p>                Carlos turned and headed for the couch. Owen closed the door and followed him. An uncomfortable silence was starting to form once they were both sitting there, side by side, with no one else around. They’d never done that before and Carlos wasn’t sure what to say.</p><p>                “That’s a nice place you’ve got here, I can see why TK likes spending time here. Though the kid probably would enjoy being just about anywhere as long as it includes you.”</p><p>                Owen sounded nervous. That was an obvious attempt at making small talk, just bringing up any subject he could think of that they had in common. But they didn’t know much of anything about each other and the list was short.</p><p>                At first, Carlos worried that Owen was there to talk about his son and the way he’d treated him, what all of this was doing to him. Carlos knew he’d hurt TK, he didn’t need to see him, or even hear about it for that. Not that Michelle hadn’t said anything about it. She’d done her best not to make him feel guilty about it, but even the smallest details added to what he imagined and it was enough to make him feel bad. The fact TK hadn’t come back told him plenty, even if he had been on shift with Michelle the past 24 hours.</p><p>                Of course, Owen Strand wasn’t like that. He wouldn’t come to talk to him about the way his actions were affecting others, or to make him feel worse. He was here for Carlos, because he worried about him and wanted to see how he was doing. Nothing else.</p><p>                “You know, I talk a lot about all those men I lost when the towers fell. But there weren’t just people who died. I know firefighters who got severely injured too, including some that ended up needing amputations, just like you. I remember how hard it was for some of them. I remember the despair in their voice, in their eyes when I visited them. They didn’t know what to do with their lives anymore, most of them never could come back to work.”</p><p>                “That’s awful.”</p><p>                “I know. And I’m sorry you have to go through this.”</p><p>                “It’s not the same, I didn’t lose my leg on the job, saving lives. I was just too stupid to realise something was wrong.”</p><p>                “You’re not stupid. Carlos, it was a cut. Flesh-eating bacteria are not that common, you couldn’t have known. Anyone would’ve thought it wasn’t that big a deal, maybe just a simple infection. What happened is just bad luck.”</p><p>                “But if I’d gone to the doctor earlier...”</p><p>                Owen put his hand on his shoulder and made sure to look him in the eyes.</p><p>                “It’s not your fault, Carlos. There’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent this. Sometimes, you just get dealt a bad hand.”</p><p>                Carlos looked down, his eyes were filling up again and he could feel the lump forming back in his throat. He didn’t want to cry in front of Owen, he wanted to appear stronger than that. Part of him knew he would never be judged by him, but that was still a fire captain he hoped to work with again, it was the father of his boyfriend, if he still had one. Carlos wished he didn’t have to be so vulnerable around him.</p><p>                “Alright, come with me, we don’t want to be late.”</p><p>                “What? Late for what? I don’t have any appointments today.”</p><p>                “Michelle and I found you a support group for amputees. Talking with other people with similar experiences might help you. I know my son finds AA meetings very helpful. Can’t help to try, right?”</p><p>                “I guess...”</p><p>                “Don’t worry, you don’t have to talk if you’re not ready. You can just listen the first few times.”</p><p>                Owen gave him an encouraging smile and went to wait for him by the open door. Carlos sighed, but he couldn’t argue, support from others who had been through this did sound like a good idea. He wondered why Michelle hadn’t come herself to take him, but he brushed that thought away and got into the car. It did feel good to see a different face for once. It reminded him there were more people out there who cared about him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                After that fight he had with Carlos, if you could call it that, TK had gone home and stayed in bed until it was time for shift. He’d wanted to go back to that when he got home again the next day, but he’d gotten restless in the evening and he’d gone out. There was nothing he wanted more than to just go back to Carlos, he missed him already, but he couldn’t. Carlos didn’t want him there, so he’d stay away.</p>
<p>                He’d been lucky enough that when he came back home, in the middle of the night, after another trip to the police station, his dad had been asleep. And Owen was mysteriously not around the next morning. TK went out before he got home and they didn’t see each other again until Owen came to wake him up to drive to work, already slightly unhappy his son slept so late when they had a shift.</p>
<p>                “What happened to your face? You know what, we’ll talk about that later. I don’t want to be late.”</p>
<p>                The disappointed look from his dad and the exasperated silence that filled their entire ride to the station made TK certain that this wouldn’t be a pleasant conversation. But he was numb and nothing seemed to change that. Calls kept them busy until past dinner and Owen seemed intent on ignoring him as much as professionalism allowed him. The others threw worried glances at him, asked the same question his dad did, but TK blew them all off.</p>
<p>                Things had quieted down now, as they usually did at night. TK sat outside the firehouse, watching the sun set. Everyone else was starting to get ready for bed and he was just glad to be left alone for once. Or at least he thought he was. He sighed as he heard steps coming in his direction, dreading what would follow.</p>
<p>                “Here, kid, got you some frozen peas for your eye. Looks kinda painful.”</p>
<p>                TK caught the bag wrapped in a towel and looked up, surprised to find Judd standing there. He’d expected his dad would’ve come find him to finally have that talk.</p>
<p>                “Thanks.”</p>
<p>                “You wanna talk about it?”</p>
<p>                Judd sat next to him, his back leaned against the wall and his legs fully extended in front of him. A perfect contrast to TK who had his own legs propped up against his chest with his arms resting over his knees.</p>
<p>                “No.”</p>
<p>                “Fine with me. But you know if you don’t talk to me, you’ll have to talk to the captain. And he’s not happy right now. Seems to be mulling over what to do with you. Your choice.”</p>
<p>                “Ugh.” TK groaned and hid his face in the bag of peas. Sometimes he wished he didn’t have to be here, around people who knew him too well, but this job was the only thing keeping him sane.</p>
<p>                “Michelle was gonna come, but I told her I’d take this one. She’s been stretching herself too thin between Carlos and Iris, she needs her rest. I can take care of you. We’re brothers, after all, aren’t we?”</p>
<p>                “I’m fine. I don’t need-”</p>
<p>                “TK, everyone can see that black eye, and the bad cut over it, and the broken nose. Your face is a call for help. I’m surprised you’re still in a state to work.”</p>
<p>                “You’re making it sound worse than it is.”</p>
<p>                “The captain knows you pretty well and he looks plenty worried to me. I’m just following his lead here. Maybe trying to do a bit of damage control for him.”</p>
<p>                “Can’t wait for you to have your own kid so you can get off my back.”</p>
<p>                “Hopefully my kid won’t be as much trouble, leaving me plenty of time for you.”</p>
<p>                “Right.”</p>
<p>                “Don’t worry, you won’t get rid of me that easy.”</p>
<p>                TK wondered if maybe that’s what he’d done. Was he really just respecting what Carlos wanted or did he let him get rid of him too easily? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. He felt bad for leaving so harshly and staying away, but he didn’t want to risk forcing his presence on Carlos either. He didn’t know what to do anymore.</p>
<p>                Part of him was angry as well. Carlos’s words were etched in his mind and they still stung as if it just happened. Had he really meant it when he said he didn’t love him? Was that meant as a breakup? Just thinking about it upset TK all over again. He felt himself starting to shake, both from keeping all of that inside, and from craving something, anything that could provide him some relief, albeit temporary.</p>
<p>                “Hey, you’ve been silent for a while, what’s going on inside that big head of yours?”</p>
<p>                “You’re trying to help me or just finding excuses to tease me?”</p>
<p>                “I can’t do both? I heard multitasking is all the rage these days.”</p>
<p>                Judd ruffled TK’s hair and pulled him into a hug.</p>
<p>                “Come on, it’ll get better. Give Carlos some time to adjust, and miss you.”</p>
<p>                “He said he doesn’t love me.” TK pulled back.</p>
<p>                “I don’t believe that. The guy’s completely smitten with you. He looks at you the way I look at Grace. I don’t get it because she’s perfect, a true catch, not like you. But I guess you do look pretty, with the eyes and the hair. And you’re smart, not as much as she is, but reasonably so.”</p>
<p>                “You’re good at this.”</p>
<p>                “I’m a little offended at how surprised you sound. But happy to be of help.” He put his hand on TK’s shoulder and squeezed. “Remember, kid, you’re not alone. We’re all here for you.”</p>
<p>                “I know. But I’m fine. Carlos is the one I’m worried about.”</p>
<p>                “That’s the problem. All you do is worry about him and you don’t take care of yourself.”</p>
<p>                “He’s the one who’s hurt.”</p>
<p>                “I know, but the state you’re in now, you couldn’t help him even if he let you.”</p>
<p>                “But I really care about him, Judd, I can’t just abandon him like that.”</p>
<p>                “You’re not abandoning him, TK. You just need a little break, and he needs time. Michelle and your father got him. Owen went there yesterday, and Paul said he’s going over tomorrow after shift. Carlos will be just fine. You’re my concern.”</p>
<p>                “There’s no need for you to worry about me. You’re starting to sound just like Marjan and Mateo.”</p>
<p>                “Well, they’re right.” Judd stood. “I’m going to bed now, you should do the same.” He started walking away, but turned back as he opened the door. “Oh and you’re having lunch at my place tomorrow, Grace insists.”</p>
<p>                Judd disappeared inside, leaving TK alone with his thoughts once again. He was right, of course, TK couldn’t keep going like this. He had been feeling pretty overwhelmed, but he felt guilty whenever he wasn’t with Carlos. Guess now he didn’t have any other choice than to take a break. He could always ask updates from Michelle and the others. However hurt he might be, he still really missed Carlos. TK stayed outside a few more minutes, enjoying the soothing feeling of the frozen peas on his face, then he joined everyone else in the bunk room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                “Judd said you went by Carlos’s place when we were off shift.”</p><p>                TK entered the captain’s office in their twenty-third hour. Everyone else was in the lounge area, relaxing, hoping the alarm wouldn’t keep them on the job past noon. Owen was sitting at his desk, filing the usual end of shift paperwork. They still hadn’t had that talk TK was promised and he decided to go to his dad himself. He thought that showed maturity and responsibility.</p><p>                “I did.”</p><p>                Owen didn’t look up as TK sat across from him. He threw a quick glance toward the door his son had left open, a confused look on his face.</p><p>                “Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>                “I would’ve, but when I got home you’d already left. To get yourself beat up by the looks of it.”</p><p>                “Oh right.” TK pulled on the string of his hoodie and chewed on it nervously. “How was he?”</p><p>                “Better by the time I left. I drove him to a support group, he seemed to enjoy it.”</p><p>                “A support group. I should’ve thought of that. I’ve been getting everything wrong lately.”</p><p>                “You’re just too close to this, son, you need to take a step back.” Owen put his pen down and looked up. “Judd told me about the talk you two had.”</p><p>                “So he told you he’s kidnapping me after shift.”</p><p>                “He told me he and Grace wanted to feed my son and keep him out of trouble for a few hours. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.”</p><p>                “You’re all making way too big a deal of this.” TK sighed.</p><p>                “When’s the last time you looked in a mirror? Seriously, TK, should I be worried about a relapse?”</p><p>                “No, dad, I’m fine.”</p><p>                “You’re getting into bar fights again, you’re not fine. And I have no desire to find you on the floor not breathing again.”</p><p>                “I go to meetings and I talk to my sponsor all the time. I swear, I have it under control.” TK let go of his hoodie string. “I didn’t know you knew about the bar fights.”</p><p>                “Well, I do. And I want it to stop.”</p><p>                “I’ll try, but it’s not that easy, dad.” TK looked up, made sure his eyes met his father’s. “So, have you decided what to do with me? Are you gonna suspend me?”</p><p>                “No. I don’t have the grounds to do that. Besides, I prefer having you here where I can keep an eye on you. But you need to do better. Everyone is worried about you, they’re not sure they can trust you to keep them safe.”</p><p>                “I’ll talk to them.”</p><p>                They both stood and shared a hug. Then Owen went back to his paperwork and TK headed to the lounge area to join the others. He needed to assure them whatever was going on with him, and Carlos, wouldn’t affect his ability to do his job, that they could still count on him. And he wanted to thank them for their support as well. They’d all been so nice to him and they deserved better than the way he’d been around them. These were bad times, but it wouldn’t be like this forever. He had to believe that.</p><p> </p><p>¤¤¤</p><p> </p><p>                Hearing other people’s stories had felt comforting in a way. Owen had been right, the support group would be helpful. Carlos hadn’t found it in himself to talk, he wasn’t ready yet, but he knew when he did those people would understand him. Maybe he would next time he went. He did really want to discuss how uncomfortable he was with the idea of TK touching him and he wouldn’t find better people to try to explain it to than other amputees.</p><p>                He missed TK. Some nights, as he lied in bed, alone, he wished he had his boyfriend to hold in his arms. He craved that proximity again, that comfort he used to feel around him. But he remembered the way he felt whenever TK got close to him since the operation. All that comfort, all that feeling of home, was gone.</p><p>                A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts. His apartment was starting to feel like a public place with the amount of people coming and going constantly. He wasn’t expecting anyone today. Michelle told him she was headed to visit Iris after shift and wouldn’t be able to come by. He was going to call Owen or someone else to ask for a ride to his appointment later that day, but now he’d probably rope whoever was on the other side of the door to do it. There was nothing really stopping him from driving himself, but he probably needed to talk to his doctors about it, see if some of his meds or something else might impair his ability to do so, maybe contact the authorities to report the injury. He was still figuring out how much the lack of his leg was affecting him in ways he wouldn’t have thought of, so he had to make sure he was good before he climbed into his car again.</p><p>                “Come in!”</p><p>                Paul walked in, carrying bags of take out. Carlos had been wondering what to do for lunch and that sight was a relief. He stood up from the couch, hoping that one day soon he would manage to achieve that more smoothly, and joined Paul at the table.</p><p>                “You seem to be doing a lot better than last time I was here.”</p><p>                “I think some of my meds started to work. Therapy and support group also help. And I’m done with the self pity, I want to stop being a burden to everyone.”</p><p>                “You’re not a burden. We like being there for you.”</p><p>                Carlos opened up the bags, split up the food and they started eating.</p><p>                “From what I heard, TK’s life became a mess because he was too busy being around me.”</p><p>                “Don’t worry about that, it’s all working out now.”</p><p>                “I knew he’d be better off without me.”</p><p>                “Oh no, that’s not what I meant. Don’t you for a second think you were right to push him away. The man loves you and wants nothing more than to help you get better and make you happy again. And from what I heard from him and Michelle, you haven’t been very nice to him.”</p><p>                “I know, but we’ve only been together a few months, we haven’t even told each other ‘I love you’ yet. It’s too soon for him to put his entire life on pause for me. I don’t want how I feel, how broken I am to transfer onto him. He deserves so much better than someone who isn’t even sure he wants to live anymore and can’t even handle his boyfriend holding his hand.”</p><p>                 Carlos pushed his food away. He’d lost his appetite again. It happened regularly now, he’d think about things and suddenly feel a lump in his throat and couldn’t get himself to keep eating.</p><p>                “I get it. Well, no, not really, I can’t ever really get it. But I understand that you don’t want to drag him into this the way you’ve been forced to live with it. He wants you though, and he’s choosing to stay right alongside you no matter what. I think you should try to let him. As long as you’re comfortable. I’m sure he’d be more than willing to respect whatever boundaries you need.”</p><p>                “I just don’t know if I can, Paul. I miss him, but I... I need time.”</p><p>                “Take it. I think a break will be good for both of you. Especially if you can’t be around each other without hurting each other further.” Paul finished his food and smiled. “I can still come by, right?”</p><p>                “Sure. I got an appointment this afternoon. If you drive me, we can hang out after. Maybe find another conversation subject.”</p><p>                “Sounds like a great plan.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                An entire month had gone by and Carlos felt like he was still at the same point. He did his exercises every day, he went to his physical therapy appointments and to support group. It was all the same, all the time. Nothing changed. He’d gotten pretty good at keeping his balance on one leg, and he was allowed to drive now. But otherwise, it seemed to him like very little progress had been made. He didn’t feel any closer to going back to work and it was frustrating how slow his recovery was.</p><p>                “Three weeks, Michelle! She said it would be three more weeks.” Carlos practically yelled. In the back of his mind, there was a bit of guilt, attached to the knowledge that his friend didn’t deserve him taking this out on her.</p><p>                “These things take time. And three weeks is not that long.”</p><p>                “It won’t even be the real one, it’s a temporary prosthesis. And three weeks <em>is</em> a long time. It’s been over a month already. I feel stuck, I’m not making progress anymore. I need that leg so I can start learning how to walk already.”</p><p>                “I know you want to get back to your old life, and things aren’t going as fast as you wish they did. But, Carlos, you’re doing pretty well with the crutches.”</p><p>                It was hard to contradict her as he stood in front of her, barely taking notice of the crutches on either side of him. They were practically part of him now, a natural extension of his arms.</p><p>                “I can’t work using crutches, I miss who I was before, I miss my life.”</p><p>                “Not to make things worse, but you’ll probably never be the same person again. And you could have most of your life back if you wanted. Your job isn’t everything.”</p><p>                “I just feel useless all the time. I want to help people again. Instead I just sit around all day. Why can’t you understand?”</p><p>                Carlos hated the way his voice sounded, frustrated but also pleading, almost like he was begging her to do something. But there was nothing she could do. Things were how they were and they went at the speed they did, and there was no changing that.</p><p>                “This won’t last forever. You just have to be patient.”</p><p>                Michelle was so calm, so supportive. She’d made her voice as soothing as she could, but it still didn’t make him feel any better. He’d heard those words too many times already. From her, from Owen, from his doctors, from Paul, from his partner he’d probably never get to work with again, from Tim and Nancy and all his other friends, even from Marjan and Mateo who he barely knew. Everyone kept telling him that as they tried to help.</p><p>                “I’m tired of being patient. It’s not worth it.” His voice rose out of his control and he found himself yelling at Michelle again. His anger had taken over, let out by the constant repetition of his days. “I can’t take this anymore! Every day is the same. It’s just too hard.”</p><p>                Michelle stayed silent, knowing he had more to say, waiting for him to get it all out before she reacted.</p><p>                “You should go. You’re wasting your time with me. Go help people you actually have a chance to make a difference for. Like your sister. I’m a lost cause. I should just be left to rot here for the next three weeks, because I can’t contribute anything to society.”</p><p>                His voice broke and tears started spilling down his cheeks. He knew that’s what Michelle had expected to happen. She let him yell at her, and take his anger out on her, because she knew his frustration would eventually break him, break his façade. She’d told him before that was what she thought he needed, but he wouldn’t let himself cry, convinced that if he didn’t keep himself standing strong, he’d fall and never get back up.</p><p>                Michelle approached quietly. She reached out with her hand, clearly going for a hug, but Carlos backed away. He felt very vulnerable in this instant and he’d rather no one witness that. He loved her and he knew he could let her see every little crack in him, and she would accept all the bad pieces along with the good, but he just couldn’t at the moment.</p><p>                “I think I just want to be alone right now. Please.”</p><p>                He managed to make his tone less angry, calmer. It was barely above a whisper, the lump in his throat ruining his voice, making it hard for him to speak at all.  She nodded. It was a reasonable request after all. She wanted to comfort him, but she’d give him what he needed.</p><p>                “Ok. I’ll go for now. Give you some time to cool down. But you have to promise me something, alright?”</p><p>                “What?”</p><p>                “You have to call me if there’s anything. Any time, I swear you won’t bother me. And don’t do anything stupid, things will improve.”</p><p>                “I promise.”</p><p>                “Good. I love you, remember that.”</p><p>                “I’ll try. Love you too, Michelle.”</p><p>                Once she was gone, Carlos let himself slide down the wall to sit on the floor, the crutches falling, forgotten next to him. He propped up his good leg and wrapped his arms around it, the other one just laying on the ground helplessly, as he put down his head on his knee. He cried and cried, and cried some more. The tears were unstoppable. It was as though he’d built a dam to keep them all inside all this time and now it had collapsed, and they were finally free to rush out, endlessly, so hard and fast he could barely breathe. He was taken over by a flood of emotions he’d tried to keep at bay until now. He felt raw and a little bit like he was drowning in them, but there was also some relief in letting it all out and not holding anything back anymore.</p><p>                Several minutes passed as he let loud sobs fill the silence of his home. Several minutes until his eyes ran dry and he found himself slightly out of breath, still shaking and sniffling, but feeling better, back together. He’d broken down, let himself feel, and it hadn’t destroyed him, if anything, it had healed him a little. He knew what was next. What he needed, no, what he wanted to do. For the first time since he lost his leg, he was going for something he didn’t really need, but was willing to take a chance for. Michelle was right, he could get some of his old life back, all he had to do was ask for it.</p><p>                Carlos took a deep breath, grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialed. He listened to it ring, once, twice, three times, second guessing himself more with each one. Maybe he shouldn’t be doing this, maybe he was just being a bother. And if it was taking this long to pick up, it had to mean it was a bad time. He should just hang up.</p><p>                He was just about to do so, prepared to give up, to go back to lie uselessly in his bed and try to forget he existed, when it stopped ringing. All of a sudden, the voice he hadn’t heard in over a month, the voice that still felt so familiar and comforting, that always used to bring a smile to his face, and kind of did even now or at least managed to calm him down further, to soothe and reassure him that it would work out, that voice he loved so much was heard through the phone, so close yet so far away.</p><p>                “Carlos. Hi. I’m sorry it took so long to answer, I was in the shower. What’s up?”</p><p>                TK sounded nervous, and a little surprised with just a hint of sadness. Like he was unsure how this would play out. He was afraid to say the wrong thing and lose Carlos again. And Carlos understood. He did this. He pushed his boyfriend away and didn’t show him sign of life for a month. He’d be wary too.</p><p>                “TK, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. It was unfair.”</p><p>                “It was. But I understand, you were in pain, you needed space.”</p><p>                His voice lacked some of the energy he remembered it having. It was strained and tired. More dull than he expected. Carlos wondered if TK just had a bad night, or a long shift, or if he hadn’t been sleeping well. He had no idea of the impact his actions could’ve had on him. TK was strong, but being kept away, not knowing how he was doing all this time, must’ve been hard on him too.</p><p>                “I was horrible. I’m not sure I can ever make it up to you, but I just want to know if you can forgive me one day.”</p><p>                “I forgive you, Carlos. Of course I do. You never had to worry about that.”</p><p>                “I miss you.”</p><p>                “I miss you too. It’s so good to hear your voice.”</p><p>                Carlos felt new tears stream silently down his cheeks. He hadn’t lost TK, he was still there, waiting for him, more patient than he was, and Carlos couldn’t be more grateful for it. Talking to him like this felt normal, like he’d retrieved a piece from his old life. His favourite piece, one he’d discarded too easily before.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                “This is a bad idea.”</p>
<p>                “It’s just dinner, Carlos. They’ll be happy to see you.  I’ve been coming here every week, and Grace’s been dying to meet you.”</p>
<p>                “I’m not sure. I haven’t been the most pleasant person lately.”</p>
<p>                “She’ll understand.”</p>
<p>                TK rang the doorbell. He knew it was just nerves. Carlos was fine in the car. Slightly annoyed that TK wouldn’t stop staring at him, but otherwise perfectly fine. And why wouldn’t TK stare at him? He was happy. He’d missed sitting next to him in the car, watching him drive them somewhere. It almost felt like things were back to normal. Or at least as close as they could be to how they were before.</p>
<p>                “TK, Carlos, welcome.” Grace opened the door, Judd standing right behind her.</p>
<p>                “Grace, you look amazing.”</p>
<p>                “Thank you. Did Judd tell you we’re having a girl?”</p>
<p>                “No, he didn’t. That is great news!”</p>
<p>                TK hugged her and Carlos congratulated them. Grace let them in and they took place at the table. Dinner wasn’t quite ready yet, but it already smelled amazing. In the meantime, Judd served everyone iced tea. Grace had made it especially because Carlos couldn’t drink alcohol with his meds, TK was sober, and she herself couldn’t drink because of the pregnancy. They’d told her they were fine with water, but she wanted something a little fancier.</p>
<p>                “So, Carlos, what’s next for you?” Judd asked.</p>
<p>                “I’m getting my temporary prosthesis in two weeks, then I can learn to walk and everything with it. I’m thinking of going back to work though, I’m getting really bored at home and doing nothing all day except my exercises is just depressing. I want to feel useful again.”</p>
<p>                “I imagine they can put you on some kind of light duty, sitting at a desk or something boring like that.”</p>
<p>                “Still an improvement over sitting around on my couch all day.”</p>
<p>                “Oh, you should come work with me at the 911 call center.” Grace said. “It’s probably a lot more interesting than any other job they could give you. You’d still have contact with people as you talk them through whatever situation. I think you’d really like it. Plus, sometimes I get to know what these guys are up to.”</p>
<p>                “That actually sounds like a great idea, thank you Grace.”</p>
<p>                From that moment on, Carlos seemed more comfortable, more at ease. Like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He had a plan now and it put him in a better mood.</p>
<p>                “Yeah, my wife is a genius. I hope our daughter gets her brains.”</p>
<p>                “Either way, she’ll be a lucky kid to have the two of you as parents.”</p>
<p>                Grace stood and went to get the food, Judd quickly on her heel.</p>
<p>                “Let me do it, honey. Just sit down and enjoy your evening with our guests. You cooked, it’s enough, I’ll take care of the rest.”</p>
<p>                “They’re your friends, Judd, don’t you want to spend more quality time with them?”</p>
<p>                “Oh, I’m good, I see way too much of TK already. And I’d love my wife and my friends to get to know each other better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have more evenings like this?”</p>
<p>                “I’m all for it.” Carlos said.</p>
<p>                The rest of the evening went on without a hitch. They all got along well and Carlos was in a good mood that made TK happy. Things were finally improving. There was still a long road ahead, but, for the first time since this whole thing began, TK could see some hope in his boyfriend’s eyes. Carlos had gotten back his drive to work toward his goal. It would likely take months, maybe over a year for him to be able to get back to his old job, but he was moving forward.</p>
<p>                When they left, Carlos didn’t start the car right away. TK was confused, wondering what might be going on through his mind. But after maybe a minute or two of silence, Carlos turned toward him, smiling. He took TK by surprise when he leaned over, put his hand behind his head and pulled him in for a kiss. They hadn’t done this in so long, they hadn’t really touched each other at all the past two months. Ever since Carlos had lost his leg, he hadn’t been comfortable with even the smallest physical contact. TK took this as a sign that the worst was behind them.</p>
<p>                “Thank you for bringing me here tonight.”</p>
<p>                “You’re welcome.”</p>
<p>                Carlos let his hand softly glide down TK’s face. He was smiling, really smiling, and it was the most beautiful thing TK had ever seen. Then Carlos turned back to the front and drove them away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>¤¤¤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                It was early in the morning. TK was wide awake. He tried to turn over and go back to sleep, but it didn’t work. He got up, quietly, and left the bunk room, not wanting to disturb the others. He was surprised to see his bed wasn’t the only empty one. He walked to the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. He found Michelle leaning back against one of trucks, watching the sun rise. He took place next to her.</p>
<p>                “Good morning.”</p>
<p>                “Good morning.” She said, not taking her eyes off the sky. “You’re early today.”</p>
<p>                “So are you.”</p>
<p>                “I always am. I like how peaceful this place is in the morning.”</p>
<p>                “It does feel nice.”</p>
<p>                They stayed silent for a while, sipping their coffees and appreciating the silence and the view of the brightening sky. The past few weeks had been hard, they’d taken a toll on both of them. No one truly understood what it had been like for them, but they had each other. They were closer friends than ever, with matching bags under their eyes even. TK had accompanied her to visit Iris several times now. They got along surprisingly well.</p>
<p>                “I’m glad you’re back in Carlos’s life.”</p>
<p>                “I’m glad he wanted me back.”</p>
<p>                “He was miserable without you, you know. He’s really brightened up since he called you.”</p>
<p>                “He was miserable with me there too. He needed time to grieve what he’d lost, on his own.”</p>
<p>                “But he needed you. I told him repeatedly.”</p>
<p>                “He didn’t, Michelle. He called me when he did. When he was ready. I always thought he would. I wouldn’t have left if I thought he really needed me. But he had you and my dad, and he didn’t want me. I believed he’d call if he changed his mind, or you would’ve told me if things had gotten really bad. Turns out I was right, he did call eventually.”</p>
<p>                “Wow, you’re so much more mature than you let on.”</p>
<p>                “Thanks, I guess?”</p>
<p>                TK smiled and so did Michelle. It was quite a year they were having, like a long, never-ending rollercoaster that brought them right back down every time they finally thought things were better. But little by little, the good was starting to outweigh the bad.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                “I wonder how Carlos’s first day at the call center is going.” TK said.</p>
<p>                It was a little after breakfast. Judd and TK were in the gym trying to get a workout in before they got a call. Grace had called him earlier to tell him she thought she’d get along great with her new trainee. There was something about a ridiculous, but still sweet, amount of good night, good morning and good luck texts that Carlos had received from TK and that he’d shown her while they were getting coffee before the start of their shift. Judd didn’t share that with TK, or anyone else.</p>
<p>                “I’m sure he’s having a great time with Grace, bonding over the troubles of having reckless firefighter boyfriends.”</p>
<p>                “You mean, their sexy and strong firefighter boyfriends who save lives and are considered heroes?”</p>
<p>                “I mean how lucky we are that love isn’t a choice and they fell for us, and somehow keep putting up with our dumbasses.”</p>
<p>                “You’re right about that, we are the luckiest men here.”</p>
<p>                They both laughed. Judd did wonder what Grace and Carlos were saying about them while they were here, working out and talking about the two of them. He was glad his wife might have made a new friend who would understand what it was like being with a firefighter who regularly put his life on the line to save other people. She used to have that with Colleen, but it wasn’t the same since her husband died.</p>
<p>                Judd pulled TK in for a hug. Carlos working with Grace might turn out to be just what they all needed. Things were looking up for everyone. Even the bruises on TK’s face were fading. The dark clouds over their lives were finally lifting and they could feel the sun on their skin again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>¤¤¤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                As soon as TK left for the bathroom, Owen put everything down, seemingly forgetting the dinner he was cooking and came to sit next to Carlos. Looked like he was in for a good, but quick, talk. He could see the concern in Owen’s eyes. Along with the way his eyes kept shifting and how he played with his hands, and the deep breath he took before he started anything, Carlos knew he’d been thinking about it for a while, but wasn’t sure how to say what he needed to say.</p>
<p>                “How are you doing, Carlos? Are you good?” Owen put a hand on his shoulder and stared straight into his eyes.</p>
<p>                “Yeah, I’m good, getting much better.”</p>
<p>                “You sure about that? Because there’s still a long road ahead, with many possible setbacks. You think you’re ready to face them?”</p>
<p>                “Yeah, I’m... What is this about?”</p>
<p>                “Look, son, I know you and TK love each other, whether or not you’ve said the words yet, and I care about you too, you’re part of the family as far as I’m concerned. But my first priority is still my son. I worry about what it might do to him if you have to go through the same troubles of the past few months again.”</p>
<p>                “I’m very sorry about that, you know I never meant to hurt him.”</p>
<p>                “Oh, I know. I don’t blame you at all. I’m just a father worried that his son might be getting himself back into something he’s not ready for.”</p>
<p>                “Owen, can I ask... how bad did it get for him? I can see the bruises fading on his face. The other day I put my hand on his waist and he winced. He said he was fine, but I want you to tell me, how bad was it really?”</p>
<p>                “Not as bad as I feared, thankfully. He never got himself hurt badly enough to prevent him from coming to work. Don’t worry about him too much, that’s my job. You’ve got to make sure you’re okay. TK’s getting back on his feet. That’s how he was when you met him. Please, just try not to make each other worse?”</p>
<p>                “I’ll do my best, I promise. I only pushed him away to protect him before. But I know now that it’s not the way to go.”</p>
<p>                “For what it’s worth, I’m really glad you’re here.”</p>
<p>                “And soon, when I can stand unassisted again, I can help you with dinner.”</p>
<p>                “I’m looking forward to that.”</p>
<p>                Owen squeezed his shoulder, Carlos smiled and they went back to what they were doing. It felt good to have put everything out in the open like this. Carlos hadn’t realised how much he’d needed to have that conversation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>¤¤¤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                Once the stress and anxiety over his desire to get back to active duty as soon as possible so he could have a purpose again were gone, Carlos started having a better time in physical therapy. Working as a 911 operator made him feel productive and useful again. For the first time in months, he was helping people. He felt like he was making a real difference in people’s lives and he loved it. He was finally going back to who he used to be and it felt good. His mood improved drastically and that allowed him to progress faster and easier than he had before.</p>
<p>                Six months had passed since Carlos had gotten back together with TK. Eight since he lost his leg. A year since the solar flare. A lot had happened. There had been so many changes in all of their lives. For one, no one, especially Carlos, would have expected him to quit his job as a police officer. But he was no longer trying to get back to it. He felt more at home, more comfortable at the 911 call center. He’d become such close friends with Grace, Michelle was starting to get jealous.</p>
<p>                By now, Carlos could walk, slowly, with the help of a cane. Paul kept telling him how cool and sophisticated he looked whenever he came by the firehouse to visit. Carlos still dreamed of the day when he could go on runs with TK. He’d get there, he just needed a bit of time.</p>
<p>                Carlos stood next to the picnic table in the Ryders’ yard. They’d invited everyone for a barbecue. Judd couldn’t stop telling Paul, Marjan and Mateo how much he loved his daughter while he cooked the meat. Grace sat under a tree with Owen and Michelle, holding the baby in her arms, watching with eyes full of love as Iris played with her. It was the first time Michelle had convinced her sister to come to one of these events, just to hang out with her and TK, and meet everyone else. She seemed to be doing fine. It was nice to see her away from that homeless camp for once.</p>
<p>                “Hey, Carlos, how are you doing? You’re having a good time?” TK said, suddenly showing up in front of him and wrapping his arms around his waist. He put butterfly kisses on his neck that almost made Carlos lose his balance.</p>
<p>                “I am. You seem to be enjoying yourself too.”</p>
<p>                “Oh, so you’ve been staring at me?”</p>
<p>                “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my eyes. I think I need to get them checked, they always seem to fall back on you.”</p>
<p>                Carlos put a hand on the nape of TK’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss.</p>
<p>                “Do you think it’s contagious? Because I might have that problem too.”</p>
<p>                “You also talk too much.”</p>
<p>                “Oh, do I? Alright then, I’ll just tell you what I came here to say and then go back to Grace and the baby.”</p>
<p>                “What did you come here to say?”</p>
<p>                “I love you.”</p>
<p>                TK gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and walked away.</p>
<p>                “Hey, you can’t just say that and run away! You know I can’t keep up. Am I supposed to just yell across the yard that I love you too?”</p>
<p>                TK turned around and gave him the brightest of smiles. Carlos couldn’t believe he almost let himself lose that only a few months ago. The two of them were doing so well now. It meant so much to him that TK was the first one to say those three words. After everything they’d been through, they had never been happier. And Carlos wouldn’t give that up for anything in the world.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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